Saturday, March 28, 2009

I bought this chair from the Torture Museum in Amsterdam for $3.5 million to sit in to watch the rest of the season.

(click image) I got a firsthand look at this baby three years ago. It's called the Inquisition Chair, and was designed to cause excruciating pain over your entire body; so, perfect for watching this fucking Habs (38-27-9) team. Thursday eve vs. the Lightning, Montreal played a rare passionate game. Though they led only 1-0, the Canadiens outshot Tampa 24-8 through two periods. Then, Gui Latendresse did this, and I exhaled. Then, two lucky bounces later, the game was in overtime, and I was in shock. Luckily Saku Koivu got a lucky bounce of his own to salvage the night. So, two points up on ninth place Florida with eight to play. Next game: tonight vs. Buffalo (five points back). I'll be strapping myself in.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm in Paris on vacation...

...until Thursday. Habs (36-26-9) have lost four in a row, including getting lit up by Jason Spezza and Ottawa 5-4 two nights ago. This shit stain of a streak will probably continue tonight versus the carefree Leafs (sic). Montreal sits one point out of being out of the playoffs...I don't care, I'm on fucking vacation, you cowardly assholes. I will resume posts whence I return. (image via)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Pour another 40 for the Habs...

Another game, another 40+ shots against, another loss—this time to the tougher, faster, determineder Rangers. Thanks to a late, lucky-ass Andrei Markov wristshot that somehow squeezed by a klutzy King Henrik, the Habs (36-25-9) stole a point. Markov was Montreal's star this night as he also made a marvelous 50-foot pass to a falling Alex Kovalev who one-timed a PP snapper by Lundqvist. G Carey Price came up tiny in the shootout going 0-for-3. Luckily for the Habs, Buffalo, Carolina, and Florida keep losing. Next game: tomorrow @ Ottawa. Must win. Again.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Mortal Lock: the Devils will beat the Canadiens tonight.

The Habs (36-24-8) got out-worked, out-shot, out-played, out-everythinged, at home, by the worst team in the league Thursday; they were damn lucky to get that precious point. Now, tonight, Montrealer Martin Brodeur will be looking to tie Patrick Roy as the winningiest goalie of all time. The Devils are 3-0 against the Canadiens this season, and come in playing their best hockey. (world's largest padlock, via Pakistan)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Canadiens 4, Oilers 3, OT.

The captain Saku Koivu willed the Habs (36-24-7) to victory Tuesday night, Bob Gainey's first game behind the bench. He tied the game with four minutes left by jabbing the puck in with the shaft of his stick (or, cough, his glove). Then in OT, he deftly deflected a bullet Mathieu Schneider PP slapper by Edmonton's helpless Dwayne Roloson. Next game: tonight vs. the terrible Islanders. Must win.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


GM Bob Gainey shitcanned him yesterday, so he'll now have plenty of time to spend with his beautiful wife, Line. As a player, Carbonneau was sublime. Arguably the best defensive forward in the history of the game (that includes you, Bob), his ability to block shots was unparalleled. While not a big goal scorer, he scored HUGE playoff goals for both the 1986 and 1993 Cup-winning teams. As a coach, well, he was not good. But in his defense, this current mess of a squad is not his responsibility. He goes out a winner as the Habs (35-24-7) killed 9 of 10 penalties—including three straight minutes of 5 on 3 time—in Sunday's improbable 3-1 win at Dallas in which G Carey Price appeared to be fully back in form. Gainey's behind the bench tonight vs. Edmonton. It'll be interesting to watch how the players react. (image via)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Thrashers 2, Canadiens 0.

Playing the worst defensive team in the league, with the worst home record and the worst penalty-killing stats, the Habs (34-24-7) displayed the killer instinct of a pacifist eunuch Friday night in Atlanta. Also remember: the Thrashers traded two of the their top four defensemen (Mathieu Schneider to Montreal and Niclas Havelid to the Devils) before the deadline. Lone bright spot: G Carey Price, subbing for the fluey Jaro Halak, played a solid game. Next game: today @ Dallas. (pictured: some sort of wurst art installation in Germany, via)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Sabres 5, Canadiens 1.

For some reason, I completely forgot to wear my Habs hat last night while watching this abysmal game, so that 4-game streak is still alive. The Canadiens (34-23-7) came out like they had fire ants in their hockey pants, dominating faceoffs and outshooting Buffalo 18-10 in the first period. However, they couldn't put one past a hot Patrick Lalime. The Sabres took a 1-0 lead late the stanza with a garbage PP goal off a blocked shot. And then, the Habs just flat out fucking quit the game. Pa-thetic. Coach Carbo skated their asses off this morning...I would've extended it until somebody passed out. Next game: tomorrow @ Atlanta. Hat will be back on.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Four wins in a row for the crazy Habs (34-22-7). After beating the hated Flyers 4-3 in OT Friday thanks to Mathieu Schneider's perfect PP wrister, Montreal somehow jumped to a 3-zip first period lead over league-leader San Jose Saturday night. Then, somehow-er, they managed to hold on for the win. G Jaroslav Halak continues to somehow-est stop the puck with his flailing, flopping style that is a nightmare to witness. Tomas Plekanec and the maybe not about to be traded Alex Kovalev are playing like last season. Still. I feel this charade could implode at any tomorrow night, in Buffalo.