Canadiens 2, Lightning 1, SO.

Playing their 3rd game in four nights, and looking like they were playing their 3rd game in one night, The Habs (21-9-6) still managed to barely skate to an ugly, stupid skills competition win. But until Gui Latendresse scored a rebound goal in the first minute of the third period to tie it, it looked like the Canadiens were going to lose to arguably the worst team in the league for the 2nd time in three weeks. In the shootout, Alex Kovalev scored on his usual backhand move, and then current team MVP Max Lapierre buried a top shelf forehand that ended up winning it. G Carey Price was solidly solid, per usual. So, four points in Florida: something that has pretty much never happened, and used to be a yearly zero- or one-point trip. Notes: Montreal 3-0 on road trip, 5-0-1 in last six...Hulking Lightning forward Evgeny Artyukhin tried to check Alex Tanguay into the Gulf of Mexico, breaking a pane of glass in the process. Tanguay didn't return to action and was scheduled for an upper body MRI today...Though he gave up about a thousand pounds, brave Tom Kostopoulos instigated a fight with Artyukhin later in the first period, and got summarily pounded...Next game: Friday @ the boring, trapping hated Devils...I'm off to see Slumdog Millionaire with my lovely girlfriend...("A55 RGY" license plate via. You stay classy, Sunshine State.)

Canadiens 5, Panthers 2.

(pictured: "one of New York's finest entertainers," Max the Magician.)
Max Lapierre (7Gs), displaying the right-handed scoring touch of a flowing-locks Lafleur, pulled a natural hat trick out of his ass to power the Habs (20-9-6). With the game tied at 2 in the second period, Lapierre calmly roofed a bad-angle backhand over surprise starting Panther G Craig Anderson (#1 Florida netminder Tomas Vokoun has often stood on his balding Czech head vs. Montreal). Then, early in the third he calmly fired an off-wing wrister by Anderson. He also slid in an unassisted empty-netter. The newly un-undead (update: or is that un-un-undead? Logic professors, please confirm.) Tomas Plekanec (7Gs) added an electric shorthanded breakaway tally. Both Panther goals were the result of Hab mistakes: First, Michael Frolik caught G Carey Price cheating on a 2-on-1; their second goal, by David Booth (15Gs), came as a result of an idiotic giveaway by Sergei Kostitsyn. Notes: Montreal 4-0-1 in last five...D Josh Gorges got a lot of PP time—which he isn't quite ready for...About 2/3s of the fans in the Sunrise stands were Habs fans. "If we can have crowds like that every weekend (it was a Monday night, dude), I don't care who they're cheering for," lied Panther coach Pete DeBoer....Next game: tonight! @ the hated (OK, not really) Lightning...

Live blogging the Canadiens/Penguins while listening to the dim-witted Murray Wilson and Rick Moffat on CJAD on my laptop at my parents' house.

• Now-healed Andrei Kostitsyn bangs it in from the playmaking center formerly known as Tomas Plekanec (Pleks's first point in TEN games).
• Penguins tie it with a cheap bounce off the end boards and off G Carey Price...goal to Pascal Dupuis (born in Laval).
• AK46 again! Again from Pleks! With 1.6 seconds left in the period! "Tape-to-tape" according to the cliché-spouting Wilson.
END OF PERIOD. Habs, 2-1.
• Crosby ties it. Jerkface.
• ...and the Habs' offense completely vanishes in the second period.
END OF PERIOD. 2-2.
• Hat Trick (his first!) for Kostitsyn! BLOWS it by G Marc-André Fluery...
• Max Lapierre shorthanded breakaway...doesn't score...of course not...the hustler has hands of stone (my contribution to the Murray Wilson cliché spew stream).
• Josh Gorges trips Crosby, another Penguin PP. Uh. Oh.
• Tanguay, high-sticking, with 3 minutes left. SHIT.
• Price robs Malkin! Apparently! (and again!)
• Pens 0-5 on the PP! Fluery is pulled with :55 remaining.
• HABS WIN, 3-2! Montreal (19-9-6) outshot 17-5 in the third period. Price came up big 5 or 6 times. Fuck you, cry-baby Sidney Crosby, who has taken the league's biggest whiner-to-refs torch, passed on from Wayne Gretzky...

X-Mas eve eve Rubber Bullet Points.

• It's the Canadiens' official Christmas card. How preciously pathetic.
• The worst hockey column headline of the holiday season, maybe ever: O little town of Bettmanhem...
• Beau-Brummell coach Carbonneau says his team is "right where we want to be." If that's "heading towards watching the late playoff rounds on TV," then he is astutely correct.
• Injury-prone Gaborik for lazy-prone Kovalchuk?
• MYFO's guide to the worst of NHL.com's Winter Classic gift guide.
• The Great One's Twitter is a fake. No, he's waiting for the Whiner app. (via)
• The NJ Devils name their favorite holiday songs. Bobby Holik: "Music means nothing to me." (via)

Hurricanes 3, Canadiens 2, OT.

Asshole Tuomo Ruutu, youngest of the asshole Ruutu brothers, jammed in the game winner as a somewhat rusty, leaky Carey Price let an Eric Staahl wrist shot leak between his rusty pads. Robert Lang's PP one-timer got the Habs (18-9-6) a tie and a point with seven minutes left in the third period. But yet again, another team's group of forwards out-skated Montreal's. Other than Saku Koivu (who is of course hurt), Tom Kostopoulos, maybe Max Lapierre, and rookie Matt D'Agostini (6Gs now in 11 games), no other Canadien forwards have showed up for every game. And if you can't show up after putting on the C-H, then you don't deserve to wear it. Carolina has now won 12 of the last 15 vs. the Habs. Next game: Saturday @ Pittsburgh.

Canadiens 4, Sabres 3, OT.

"You're going to have to show me where Jochen is holding somebody," whined Buffalo coach Lindy Ruff post-game about Jochen Hecht's blatant interference penalty on Alex Kovalev that led to AK's game-winning PP laser wrister with :25 left in OT—it was Montreal's first OT win of the season. Why don't you shut your ugly face you whiny little girl coach with a female-like first name? The big victory moved the Habs (18-9-5) five points ahead of Buffalo in the Northeast division. Kovalev had eight SOGs and now has goals in three straight, and I pray to Lord Stanley that he has finally de-fogged himself. Notes: Shut-up Ruff. Sergei Kostitsyn had 2Gs and was the game's first star. Next game: in four hours! vs. the stupid, hated Hurricanes. Carey Price back in net.

Canadiens 5, Flyers 2.

Holy shit, what the Hell happened to the hapless Habs (17-9-5) of the last three games? The forwards were driving to the net in droves...perfect, flying Frenchmen-like headman passes by Max Lapierre and Steve Begin(?) setup clean breakaway goals by Matt D'Agostini (5Gs) and Alexei Kovalev (2-game goal-scoring streak!), respectively...the PP potted a pair...Everybody was hitting filthy Flyers left and right...Shit, dapper coach Carbonneau...did you personally shoot B-vitamins into the asses of every player during the pre-game meeting? Notes: Of COURSE ex-Hab Arron Asham scored for Philly...One major complaint—G Jaro Halak was giving up big rebounds like his equipment was rubberized...Next game: tomorrow vs Buffalo.

Gameday Rubber Bullet Points.

• Ulfie Samuelsson blogs that he once tried to electrocute Rick Tocchet.
• Canadiens sign time-traveling Jacques Plante (right) to play goal tonight.
• Olde tyme Leafs/Hawks hockey.
• Marian Gaborik's groin talks...like a gangsta(?).
• Semin on woman. (as an aside, he has the best wrist shot in the NHL).
• Mike Komisarek may be in the lineup tonight.

Montreal Canadiens right winger Alexei Kovalev shoots vulcanized rubber disk into a 4'x6' framed net during an NHL game resulting in an official goal.

And what an artistic goal it was—a shorthanded one-timer off the post off a perfect faceoff win by C Robert Lang. Forget the fact that the Habs lost the game to Carolina, 3-2. Or that the Hurricanes were 3 for ELEVEN on the powerplay as Montreal spent more than a third of the game shorthanded. Or that the Habs (16-9-5) had exactly ONE (1) PP opportunity. Or that this was as blatant a case of anti-Canadien (or anti-Canadian, if you will) refereeing as you'll ever see. No. All that matters is that the talented, beautiful Alex Kovalev ended his 6-week scoreless slumber. NOW, the TEAR starts. Notes: ex-useless-Hab Sergei Samsonov had two assists...When Andrei Markov's batted-in goal was officially disallowed, the 'Canes gave their goal horn a short blast. You stay classy, Raleigh. Next game: tomorrow vs. the very badly hated Flyers.

Capitals 2, Canadiens 1.

After hitting the post late in the game Saturday night from about ten feet out whilst facing a half-empty net, Alex Kovalev's goalless streak is at nineteen (19) games. We're well beyond snake-bitten here. Meanwhile, Patrice Brisebois has gone two games without not scoring a goal. I think if you replaced the opposing goalie with a smallish pile of cow shit, Montreal's so-called snipers would at this point all bury the biscuit in the manure. The Habs (16-8-5) powerplay was 0-fer fucking-8 against Washington, and honestly, they didn't have one good scoring chance with the man-advantage. Subbing for the flu-ey Carey Price, Jaro Halak played a solid game in net. But two goals is about two too many to give up these days. Notes: winger Chris Higgins (shoulder) is out five weeks, Saku Koivu (foot/ankle) at least two weeks...D Ryan O'Burnnn continues to skate like me out there (Gainey—HELP!)...Next game: tomorrow @ Carolina.

Saturday morning rubber bullet points.

• The Capitals dressed their Website producer as backup goalie last night. Maybe he'll start against the Habs tonight? (fingers crossed)
• Habs players have always scored the sweetest endorsement deals.
• Jaro Halak blogs a post for 4HFs.
• Sundin to the Rangers this weekend?
• Mike Bossy had pretty, permed hair.
• What the Winter Classic at Wrigley Field will look like, probably minus the snow.
• Lastly, a fan makes a Stanley Cup out of 16 decks of playing cards and tape and some other stuff and this just made me feel a little queasy (via).

Lightning 3, Canadiens 1.

The Habs (16-7-5) got outplayed, outskated, out-goaltended, out-coached, out-everythinged last night versus the worst team in the league that had lost nine straight. Tampa's two French Canadian superstars were on ice for about half the fucking game and scored all their goals (St. Louis 2, Lecavalier 1). Montreal's blueliners moved like they were wearing 50-year-old skates. AND...Cap Sak Koivu suffered a dreaded "lower body injury." I spent the game drinking cold, cold Russian vodka. Za Vas, brothers Kovalev and Markov! Next game: tomorrow vs. Washington (revenge time, Habs!) (pictured: a man, not Hab G Jaro Halak, struck by lightning, via.)

Canadiens 4, Flames 1.

Though the Flames spent large, extended periods of time in the Habs (16-6-5) zone in all three periods, a combination of inept offensive play and excellent goaltending by rust-free Jaroslav Halak meant a comfortable Montreal win. A new Lang (2 Gs) Kovalev Tanguay line put up seven points, and rook Matt D' Agostini's 4th goal in four games was an unassisted breakaway of beauty (video). Notes: Habs now 4-0-1 on the homestand...After an 0-3 night, the Canadiens' "power"play stretch now at 5-63...Mat Dandenault, who was playing some dandy D, suffered a broken arm, which probably means a return of O'Burnnnnn (O'No)...Next game: tomorrow vs. Tampa Bad...(honestly, an image of a stovetop burner would make a better Calgary logo than the current ugly flaming 'C')

Your during-the-game Rubber Bullet Points.

• Many, many, many words against the shootout. Short version: it's not hockey (true).
• B.U. won the weekend battle of Beantown over B.C.
• Barry Melrose and his mullet are not the least bit bitter about being shitcanned.
• Ranger fans serenaded Dion Phaneuf with "sloppy seconds" chants (via).
• Montreal fans are na-na-na-ing with over 5 minutes left in the game. Idiots.
• Habs win 4-1 (report tomorrow)! Fuck you Mike Kennan!

Devils 2, Canadiens 1, OT.

A day late, and I'm busy as shit at work...but the Habs (15-6-5) deserved to lose in regulation to the stupid, boring, trapping, stupid Devils. They were 0-5 on the PP (5-60 now), and if it wasn't for Matt D'Agostini's (3 Gs in 4 games) 1st period rebound gift goal, Montreal would have been shutout by some goalie not named Brodeur (who had played 41 straight games against the Canadiens). Next game: tomorrow against the Flames. (click for actual 100% authenticated photo of the Jersey Devil, via. My counselors used to scare the fucking shit out of us little ones with JD stories at kiddie camp in the NJ pine barrens.)

pre-game Rubber Bullet Points.

• confusing X-Mas ornament: a penguin in a Red Wings jersey.
• NHL TV ratings are up in most markets, and waaay up in some (via).
• Sean Avery's days as a Dallas Star may be over.
• Don't cry for Lover Boy, though. He's got stuff to do: like work on the development of his movie.
• ...and sit at home and stare at his Philip Starck machine gun lamp (right). "It let's you know there's a man in the house."
• EXORCISE THE DEVILS!!!

Canadiens 6, Rangers 2.

(Haha cutie, your precious Gotham icemen got steamrolled! BooHoo!!!)
I only caught the third period of last night's seeming Total Team Effort. And honestly, after I found out that the Habs (15-6-4) 4-2 lead had once been 4-zip, I was feeling a bit queasy. But Robert Lang's tap-in goal in the first minute of the third—set up by two beautiful passes by Kovalev And Markov—eased my nerves...three in a row, baby! And look at that score sheet! SIX even strength goals. 39-20 shot advantage. Josh Gorges +4. Team effort indeed. And how 'bout D'Agostini's twisted wrister?!? That'll teach you, "King Henrik," to sit back in your net like a lazy pretty king. I think the Habs should now wear those unwashed throw-back uni's every game until they lose again. Next game: tomorrow vs. the evil Jersey Devil(s). (image via)

Canadiens 5, Thrashers 4.

Last night, a 3-0 third period lead became a 3-3 tie faster than shit through a brown thrasher, as the Habs (14-6-4) really, really tried to give crappy Atlanta two points. But Andrei Kostitsyn (1G, 2A) and Thrasher D Tobias Enstrom's leg came to the rescue. Poor Alex Kovalev appeared to have backhanded in his first goal in a month into an empty net only to have Robert Lang (not) get a piece of it. Notes: Lang looked pretty damn good on the PP point, yes?...Little Matt D'Agostini scored his first NHL goal by simply going to the fucking net...Tomas Plekanec scored! He's well on his way to ten for the season...Next game: tomorrow vs. the hated Rangers...You know, I always thought "Flames" was a less-than-becoming nickname for the original Atlanta hockey club. I mean why would you purposely pick a name that paid tribute to General Tecumseh Sherman's historic little scorched earth march? Wonder how many thrashers died?

Rubber Bullet Points, 12/2/08.

• Now George Laraque is blogging. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about that fine tough gentleman.
• The Post's Ranger beat writer Larry Brooks—the only hockey writer in the New York area worth an occasional read—calls for an end to fighting. Nice thought. Not bloody likely. (bloody Roy via)
• Red Wings—Blackhawks, New Year's Day, Wrigley Field. This is going to be pretty fucking cool.
• Ilya Kovalchuk skating on the checking line tonight in Montreal? Kovalchuk. Checking. That's rich (via).

Canadiens 3, Sabres 2.

Another three-goal second period, another win. The Habs (13-6-4) began a seven-game homestand with a big win over division rival Buffalo. Big, because Montreal needed to get the shitty stink of Friday's loss to the Capitals off of them. Big because the Habs finally showed some sustained forechecking and offensive cohesiveness. Cs Max Lapierre and Saku Koivu made sweet plays on Montreal's second and third goals, respectively. They still looked lost on the PP (0-5) and they lacked intensity in their own zone at times and Sergei Kostitsyn took two amazingly stupid slashing penalties but...it was their best overall game in weeks. Notes: Carey Price gave up 2Gs or less for the seventh straight game...all four centers were + on faceoffs, with the Habs winning 36 of 61 total...next game: Tuesday vs. Atlanta. (pictured: book jacket for "Sabre Dance" currently ranked #4,429,436 on Amazon.)

Capitals 3, Canadiens 0.

To properly visualize The Suck that was Habs hockey last night in Washington, I've trotted out the best Halloween costume in history—The Human Dickwad. Grab a dick giveawayer Ryan O'Burn—why did he play 22 fucking minutes? Grab a dick, non-finisher Alex Kovalev—no goals in 12 games and ridiculously stupid play in his own end, for instance; after Montreal (12-6-4) killed of a long 5-3 PP and with the Habs desperate to get the puck out of their zone, AK twice threw it blindly to Washington point men, eventually leading to the third goal. Grab a dick, Jaroslav Halak—for letting Ovechkin score from the end line. And grab a dick, coach Carbonneau—for not benching Kovalev for a couple of games...coddling his ass obviously isn't working. Notes: Yes, ex Hab G Jose Theodore played a good second period when the Canadiens threw some rubber at him, but Montreal disappeared in the third...one positive moment: Latendresse heroically diving to get the puck out of the zone...next game, tonight against Buffalo.

Canadiens 3, Red Wings 1.

Lucky bounce for Max Lapierre. Great pass by Markov on Plekanec's first goal in nine games. Nice backhand by Higgins. And the Habs (12-5-4) had themselves a miraculous three-goal lead at Detroit. Time to sit back and let the Wings come at you in waves, and hope for the best. Luckily, G Carey Price was solid and the defensive zone coverage was adequate. One game anomaly or turning point of the season? Panger/HFF33 goes off his lithium and has that critical discussion with himself. Next game: tomorrow at the Capitals and unfrozen caveman Alexander (12Gs) Ovechkin. (image via)

Rubber Bullet Points, 11/26/08.

• Deadspin covers hockey! Of course, it's a picture of passed-out Flyer prospect James Van Riemsdyck with a penis drawn on his face.
• Darcy Tucker injured his knee and is out four weeks. God, that breaks my fucking heart.
• Energizer is the official battery of the NHL. MYFO celebrates by getting a 5-year-old to help them with Photoshop.
• If Detroit scores three goals tonight, the Habs will lose.
• Photo of pro-Palestinian activist shot in head by Israeli troops with a rubber bullet (looks like Keith Magnuson after a fight with anybody) via.

Islanders 3, Canadiens 3, O'Byrne -1, SO.

Hab blueliners Josh Gorges and Ryan O'Byrne both scored their second career goals last night; Gorges on a PP slapper, and O'Byrne on a delayed penalty wrist shot into his own empty net—he says was passing it back to his goalie but Carey Price couldn't quite reach it 100 feet away on the bench. While not quite a Steve Smith-level gaffe, it did tie the game for the Islanders with less than five minutes to go. And, well, you just knew the Canadiens (11-5-4) were going to lose in the shootout. Notes: Habs won 34 of 55 faceoffs...Power-play was 1-7 as all the PP forwards still need to go to finishing school...Said Saku Koivu, "(translated from Finnish) we suck the smelly ass of an ass beast..." Next game: tomorrow at (yikes!) Detroit...

Your Monday rubber bullet points.

• Devil Dainius Zubrus scores four goals—his sum total from about two seasons with the Habs—in win over the Bolts.
• Little Danny Briere's groin stills hurts him. That's because he's a boy with a girl part. (via, image via)
• "Puck Daddy" writes an irony-free 1,400 fucking word review of "Slapshot 3: The Junior League." This is one of the batshit craziest things I've ever seen...and I've been in NYC for 18 years.
• It's a Shiba Inu cam, except with dudes instead of puppies.

Bruins 3, Canadiens 2, SO.

Well now the Bs have a two-game streak against the Habs (11-5-3), and Boston is just a better hockey team right now. But Montreal showed some moxie in the third period after falling behind 2-1. Sure, Tom Kostopoulos pulled that deflection out of from just south of his stomach. But the Canadiens earned that lucky-ass goal with some old-fashioned hard work. I'll take the point. Notes: George Laraque repeatedly but nicely asked Milan Lucic to dance in the first period. Lucic coyly declined (coach's orders). Then he scored in the second period due to a beautiful play by Phil Kessel and some ice capades back-checking by Alex Kovalev. Next game: tomorrow vs. the hated (well in the 80s) Islanders. (photo of bear shitting in woods via)

Hockey Day in NYC.

• Coyote rookie Viktor Tikhonov is blogging, joining Phoenix assistant coach Ulf Samuelsson. I'd love to here Viktor's thoughts on Mikhail Gorbachev's comment that Barack Obama needs to carry out perestroika to save the American economy. Gorbie's wine stain is trademarked.
• Pepe Lemieux is playing for the China Sharks.
• Avs give Paul Stastny 33 mil. His dad and two uncles simultaneously shit their pants.
• Bill Clement with his shirt off for Off. (via)
• Shit!!!!! Big George Laraque best be in the lineup tonight.
• St. Patrick remembered.

Canadiens 3, Senators 2, SO.

Did you smell it during last night's shootout win over the Sens? I did, right through my NYC TV. Desperation. After Markov—about the only Hab who showed up to play offense last night (21 shots?)—blasted in his own blocked shot to tie it at 2, the pressurized stage was set. And Alex Tanguay won it in the SO with a backhand to forehand move, minus the forehand part. He looked liked he was curling or something. Somehow, it worked. It probably should have never gone to a shootout, as Ottawa's Antoine Vermette flat-out had a 2nd period delayed-penalty goal stolen from him. Maybe the ref saw one of Montreal's ubiquitous ghosts touch the puck? They go on road trips sometimes, I hear tell. Price was pretty good, but misplayed a soft blue line wrist shot into the Senators 2nd goal. Whatever. Two more ugly points. Notes: Habs 1-1 on the PP (Saku 7g)! Ottawa gave two of their own players first and second stars. Douchebags. Shouted Koivu, post-game (unverified): "Fire Carbo!" Next game: tomorrow eve against the Bruins when #33 gets rightfully raised to the rafters. ROO-AH! ROO-AH! ROO-AH!

...and like Avery, he wears Alexander McQueen.

Like I said, until I see a sign that the Habs are in fact a hockey team, you get the stupidest hockey signs I can find. Stupid Ranger fans. (via)

No Blood, No Glory.

Until I see something resembling a game plan/hustle/defense from the Blew, Blank et Ruse, you will get stupid hockey signs. And they will only get stupider and stupider. (via)

Hurricanes 2, Canadiens 1.

The good news: Robert Lang scored a PP goal; Carey Price was a Rock, making 46 saves. The bad news: everything and everybody else. Plus, Sergei Suckass Samsonov scored. Next Habs (10-5-2) game: Thursday at Ottawa.
Notes: FUCK YOU. (pictured: "often-overlooked" 80s melodic rock band Hurricane)

Tuesday is the stupidest day of the week.

Some classy Swede (a relative?) tried to sell a tuxedo on ebay supposedly owned/worn by dead Flyer Vezina Trophy-winning goalie Pelle Lindbergh. The starting bid requirement was 800 bucks. No bids were submitted. Maybe the seller should have torn it and bloodied it up a bit, and claimed Lindbergh was wearing it the night he (with a blood/alcohol level of .24) slammed his Porsche 930 turbo into a low brick wall? (via, image via)

Canadiens 3, Blues 2, SO.

Alex "what's my motivation?" Kovalev's roofed backhand was the most nonchalant goal in NHL shootout history, and improbably gave the Habs (10-4-2) a huge two points. Just as it looked like Montreal was going to be outscored by career minor-leaguer Steve Regier, Robert Lang (5Gs) temporarily found his shooter's touch, batting in his own rebound to tie the game with 4 minutes left in regulation. The Habs were 0-fer fucking 10 on the PP, and now sport a nifty 0-20 streak. I could start a useless rant about what a hollow husk of a team Montreal currently is, but Brooklynite Gino Tomac commenting on this FourHabsFans post did it for me. A highlight: "Gui! (Latendresse)...figure out if you're 240 pounds of forward or labia." Notes...speaking of pounds, former Hab netminder and current Blues goaltending coach Rick Wamsley has packed on the ex-player meal money nicely...Blues TV color man and NHL HOFer Bernie Federko's got himself some sweet endorsement kale rolling in pitching a local St. Louis cabinet maker...next game: tomorrow at (North) Carolina. (pictured: Blind Lemon Jefferson, the best named bluesman in American history, slightly edging out Lead Belly Ledbetter.)

Flyers 2, Canadiens 1.

It's now an official (1-3-1) bad patch. Let's hope it doesn't turn into something frightening. On a night when the Habs (9-4-2) wore 1940s sweaters, it was Philadelphia who played old-time defensive hockey, strangling Montreal's supposedly high-powered forwards. Sak Koivu, with five SOGs and a beautiful assist on Tanguay's eighth goal, was about the only Canadien who sacked up. Halak was fine in net. Montreal, plain and simple, just got their lazy asses outworked. Komisarek's injury is no excuse. At least George Laraque beat the bejesus out of Josh Gratton. And hey, Carbonneau? How bout increasing the fourth line's playing time and/or sitting a couple of the non-scoring scorers? You know, coaching. Next game: in about 3 hours at St Louis. (pictured: casting call flier spotted in Brooklyn for the film "Niki Gets Lost In BushDick")

Your Saturday Stupidity.

• THN blogger Ryan Dixon says Sheldon Souray is 007 cool. I think he's forgetting SS's uncool penchant for passing pucks to the enemy.
• The Habs will be dressed like the "Old Lamplighter" Hector Blake tonight against the Flyers. "TOE BLAKE, OLD-TIME HOCKEY!"
• "Puck Daddy" has a man-crush on Milan Lucic. Men you have man-crushes on: actors, authors, world leaders. Men you do not have man-crushes on: hockey players.
• Stupid Hab fans are obviously cheat-voting for the all-star game. You do not own the game, Quebec.
• FYI—I once hit both posts scoring a goal in the highly regarded Freehold, NJ street hockey league.

Bruins 6, Canadiens 1.

Boston emphatically ended Montreal's 12-game regular season winning streak against them last night. And it was worse than the score. I was speechless. I am speechless. So here's what other Habs (9-3-2) blogs had to say about the painful game:
• "I have a message for our defense: pylons are usually orange."
• Plan the parade? "There better be a goddamn parade of Canadiens puking over the boards because Carbo skates them into the ground..."
• "An evil night. An evil, Edgar Allan Poe, raven night."
• "I turned off the game and played with my Wii..."
OK, I've thought of something to say: why is Ulf Samuelsson fucking blogging? Next game: tomorrow vs. Flyers.

Your Thursday Hockey Need-Not-Knows.

• You stay classy, ex-Hab Mike Ribeiro.
• Teacher says, every time a Chicago Blackhawk raps, Mos Def gets a migraine (image via).
• The Atlanta Thrashers have a ghastly techno victory song: "Russian Private Jet."
• Old, lazy Mats Sundin has sold his Toronto home...which means he's maybe moving into a retirement community?
• Looks like the Canadiens have signed a different Swede, though her hockey pants are awfully short.

Canadiens 4, Senators 0.

Thaaat's more like it. The Habs (9-2-2) played maybe their most complete game of the season so far in drubbing the visiting hot evil Senators. Chris Higgins's (8 shots) first career hat trick would make a nice short instructional video on how to finish scoring chances (watch it Plekenac, Latendresse, Kostitsyns, etc). Goalie Carey Price and the D were solid, especially in the third period when the Sens ratcheted up the pressure. Notes: the stupid Jarkko Ruutu delivered a cheap shot elbow to Max Lapierre's head...Francis Bouillon immediately intervened with his beefy little fists...Lantendresse did blast home his first goal in exactly a month off a Robert Lang faceoff win...which I guess means Gui's next goal will come December 11th against The Lightning...next game: tomorrow at Boston... (painting: "Morte de Césare" by Vincenzo Camuccini —Emperor Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a group of cowardly Roman senators led by Marcus Junius Brutus.)

This stupid Tuesday.

• Some Montreal journalist has started an online petition begging the Canadiens to allow Montrealer William Shatner to "sing" the National Anthem(s) before a Habs game this season. I say wait for an important playoff game and trot him out like the Flyers used to do with Kate Smith. If they win, keep him coming. If they lose? Ban him from the city for life. (image via)
• MeltYourFaceOff points me to a St. Louis Blues promo called "Fannie and Freddie Mortage Saturdays" where one fan in attendance wins four months of home or rent payments. That's just fucking depressing.
• Four pretty New York Rangers—Lundqvist, Naslund, Drury, and Gomez—put on some pretty power suits and skated pretty powerfully for a pretty photo shoot for pretty Men's Journal magazine. So pretty. So powerful.
• The Shiba puppy cam. Internet Klonopin®.

Maple Leafs 6, Canadiens 3.

Jesus, the Habs (8-2-2) got their fancy-skating derrieres handed to them Saturday. I could say their defensive zone coverage sucked—which it did. But really Toronto, led by teeny-tiny ex-Hab Mikhail Grabovski, skated triple fucking salchows around them. I know Hamrlik being out hurts, but... And hey, next time Habuettes? Why don't you gentle-men offer Nik Antropov some fucking scones when he settles into a nice comfy spot in Price's crease? PUSSIES.
Next game: Tomorrow vs. Ottawa.

Blue Jackets 4, Canadiens 3, SO.

The Belarusian Bros saved the Habs's (8-1-2) asses last night, particularly the non-clutch hiney of G Jaroslav Halak. Andrei Kostitsyn fed ice-cold Sergei beautifully from behind the net for the tying goal with :40 left in regulation. Alex Tanguay (7Gs)—with an easy rebound tap-in—and Patrice Sweepstakes Brisebois—with a point slapper—scored PP goals, which was encouraging. But fucking Halak, like all Czech backstoppers, sits too far back in the net. And unlike Hasak The Dominator, Halak The Ordinator ain't quick enough (or big enough) to make up for it. Then, he got schooled in the shootout by Kristian Huselius and hot rookie Derek Brassard. But I'll take the point. Next game: tonight at Toronto. (pictured: a striking Donatello ocean blue windowpanes wide legs suit, $249.90)

A frenetic :54 shift.

Keeping with this week's filler theme of Athletic Animal Kingdom, here's a mini-crazy horse darting around like Keith Acton. (via)

Hockey's Bible rips my holy team.

John Grigg drops his hockey pants and shits on the center ice dot of Le Centre Bell. While my head basically agrees with him, my heart says he's a Habs-hating asshat.

Shrimp running on a treadmill.

Canadiens 5, Long Islanders 4.

So, I guess I'm wrong. The Habs (8-1-1), apparently, only do need to play one period of hockey per game to win. And if that's the case, why not continue the lazy practice? It is an ungodly long season; best to conserve energy for the playoffs and then turn it on like a fire hose once the real games start, right?
Last night, Montreal outshot the Isles 16-4 in the third period and outscored them 4-0 to erase a three-goal deficit. Both Alex Kovalev and Tomas Plekanec (who?) had 2G 2A nights. Andrei Kostitsyn—on Plekanec's second goal—and Saku Koivu—on Chris Higgins' tying goal—made memorable, wonderful playmaker passes. Carey Price...had a less than memorable game. The Islanders second goal, an unscreened nothing wrist shot by Jon Sim that I could have caught barehanded, somehow got by him. Predictably, ex-Hab Mark Streit blew a PP slapper by Price for New York's first tally. It is Streit's accurate cannon shot that the Canadiens desperately miss on their unimpressive-so-far PP. But five even-strength goals is pretty damn sweet.
Notes: At least half of the fans in attendance were Canadiens fans...Nassau Coliseum is in the middle of fucking nowhere waaay out on Long Island—how, nay why, did all the Hab faithful get there?...next game: Friday in Columbus.

Canadiens 2, The Wilderness 1.

On a night when the referees decided to call rulebook hockey, The Habs spent over a quarter of the game shorthanded, but gave up zero PP goals in ten chances. Dapper coach Carbonneau, certainly one of the best PKers of all time, probably spent the whole game with a stiffy. Congrats to the penalty killers and G Carey Price. But really, The Wild(s) need to go to finishing school (as do Robert Lang and Tomas Plekanec, jesus christ.). Francis Bouillon floated in his second lucky goal of the season, and Andrei Norris Markov blasted home a 5-on-3 one-timer. And that was about it as far as good chances went for Montreal (pictured: CNN's Wolf Blitzer). Notes: The Wild(s) feature two ex Canadien players/coaches behind the bench in Jacques Lemaire and assistant Mario "banana curve" Tremblay...The Habs caught a break in facing backup goalie Josh Harding, otherwise they might have been shut the fuck out...Josh Gorges played some solid D last night...Next game: Tomorrow on Long Island—don't get too shitfaced tonight homeboys Komisarek and Higgins...

Garth almost rhymes with Death...

This week's SI print edition has a photo gallery, "Hockey Halloween," featuring the NHL's seven scariest goalie masks (remember Cheevers?). Not pictured in the piece: Carey Price's Garth Brooks tribute. (click image, via) update: THN posted their 10 scariest masks of all time.

Canadiens 3, Global Warming 2, SO.

I hate shootouts. I hate them in Futbol, too. The NHL had it perfect with the "both teams have a point 4-on-4 OT now go at it like Hell for five minutes" set-up. The Habs (6-1-1) didn't deserve the two points last night against the Hurricanes. They were badly outplayed in the last two periods. However, Kovalev's first period unassisted short-side bullet wristshot was a thing of beauty—G Cam Ward abandoned the post early and got burned. Price was good, but gave up a terrible rebound on Matt Cullen's game-tying goal in the third period. Cap Sak scored the only SO goal on a nice five-hole backhand, thus ending Carolina's nine-game winning streak at The Bell Centre. Notes: After getting flattened by Komisarek, the 'Canes Eric Staal (pain in the ass all night) tripped the Habs blueliner, and then made diving motions from the penalty box (douche...would love to have him)...Carolina coach Peter Laviolette after the game: "I thought we did a good job and that's what's frustrating about the shootout, now everybody's saddled with a loss and it's like you buried your dead cat in the locker room - nobody's talking..." Next game: tomorrow at The Wild (6-0-1), the only remaining undefeated (in regulation) team...

Patrice "Sweepstakes" Brisebois healthy scratch tonight!

Thank you, dapper coach Carbonneau.

Ducks 6, Canadiens 4.

Didn't watch the whole game, so just a short note. Despite putting 51 shots on goal, the Habs (5-1-1) looked outworked in this game. Example: on the goal late in the 2nd period that essentially decided it, Travis Moen out-hustled Montreal's pointmen to score on a shorthanded breakaway that put the Duckies up 5-3. And while Jean-Sebastien Giguere was good, most of those shots were right at him. So, the first pointless game of the season is in the books. Next game: Tuesday vs. Carolina. (image: Duck Vader)

How bout Goon or ButtEnd or SinBin?

Republican VP hopeful and self-professed hockey mom Sarah Palin: "I always wanted a son called Zamboni."
(via, image via onfrozenblog)