Canadiens fans are f*cking idiots.

Luckily, both Mike Cammalleri and Scott Gomez followed the scouting report and beat Leafs' (sic) goalie Vesa Toskala high glove-side in the shootout to rescue the too-early serenading buffoons. So, this unremarkable, uninteresting Habs team sits unremarkably at 7-7, right where they should be. This is an incredibly boring team to watch; therefore, because of that, and because I'm busy as fuck at my ad job, I will from here on out only be updating this blog when major develops surface. Go. Habs. Gozzzzzz (yes, I'll still be watching most nights, video via Puck Daddy).

Penguins 6, Canadiens 1.

And, it wasn't that close Wednesday night. Sid the whiny Kid registered a hat trick. The Habs (6-6) are not Stanley Cup contenders. Next game: tonight! At Chicago. Carey Price back in net (image via).

Impress me Habs, beat the champs.

Montreal (6-5) won their fourth straight Monday vs. the Islanders, thanks to another end-to-end OT rush, this time by Tomas Plekanec (above). His flip pass to Roman Hamrlik was a Renaissance painting; it was a perfect Czech-to-Czech checkmate ending to an otherwise unremarkable game. But these are the games the Habs must win to make the playoffs. Jaroslav Halak will get his fifth straight start in net tonight at Pittsburgh, and I think he's gonna have to steal this one for the Canadiens to get a W.

Canadiens 5, Rangers 4, OT.

(Sorry for the late update, work's busy) Forget that the Habs destroyed the Islanders 5-1 last Thursday; that win was meaningless. What was meaningful about it was that it may have jump-started their undersized, overpaid offense. Because Saturday night's home win over the hated Rangers was Montreal's first flash of inspiring hockey. They outskated the Blueshirts, coming back from 3-1 and 4-2 deficits. The Habs (5-5) continued their recent mastery over little Henrik Lundqvist as little Mike $6 million Cammalleri lit him up like the Northern Lights with a four-point hat-trick evening—including the unassisted end-to-end OT game-winner. Next Game: tonight vs. the Islanders, again, at home, thanks to the screwy Olympics year schedule.

Canadiens 2, Thrashers 1, SO.

Tuesday, The Habs ended their five-game losing streak by beating a team playing their fifth game of a five-game road trip, and did it by filling the net with exactly one puck (Brain Gionta's 4th, Montreal's only quasi-finisher) during competitive play. Color me blasé. Next game: tonight vs. the terrible New York Islanders. (pic: Getty Images, search for "unimpressed")

Senators 3, Canadiens 1.

All three Ottawa goals, including the beautiful coup de grâce by Alex Kovalev, were buried by finishers. The Habs are finisher-less (and Finnisher-less—miss you Saku). So: five losses in a row. I ain't got shit else to say about this shit-awful team. Next game: Tuesday vs Atlanta. OK, I have to say this: Scott $7 million Gomez. Why, Bob Gainey, WHY? (pic of sexy finisher Kovalev working out via)

Avalanche 3, Canadiens 2.

(click image) Thursday evening, Carey Price unveiled his new mask for the Habs home opener; it features the Grim Reaper riding a chopper and skulls and aces of spades and looks pretty fucking idiotic. And, judging by the first two Colorado lucky-bounce goals, his headgear may be cursed. Montreal finally clearly outplayed somebody, and probably deserved to win, or at least deserved a point. But as Clint Eastwood told Gene Hackman before blowing his brains out in Unforgiven, "Deserve's got nothin' to do with it." Because the Habs own-zone play on the late third period game-winner—18-year-old Ryan O'Reilly's first NHL goal—was embarrassing. That's four losses in a row, and this team's make-up makes me want to puke. Next game: tonight vs. Alex Kovalev and the Senators.

0-3 Western Canadian Swing.

I only saw the 4-3 Calgary loss Tuesday as I am traveling and away from my NHL Center Ice. But judging by the highlights and recaps of the 7-1 drubbing executed by Vancouver, there wasn't much to analyze about the Habs giant turd-like effort. Last night, the Canadiens finally put some rubber on a goalie at Edmonton, but the 'bulin Wall (what a fucking stupid nickname) apparently did what the Habs Jaro Halak and Carey Price didn't do on the swing, that being make some tough saves. Brian Gionta ripped home his third goal, and continues to be about the only Hab worth a shit so far this season. So: 0-3 against three teams nobody will mistake for Cup contenders. My .500 season prediction may be a bit optimistic. Next game: home opener Thursday vs. Colorado ("Three Swings" acrylic above can be yours for $825).

Canadiens 2, Sabres 1, OT.

So, I'm warming up to peewee Brian Gionta, especially after this beautiful street hockey batted-in game-winning goal against Buffalo Saturday night. Maybe the Habs will get four-years-ago BG. I'm not, however, fooled by the 2-0-0 start. Montreal has been seriously outplayed in both tilts, saved only by Carey Price's solid (fingers crossed) goaltending. The Sabres completely shutdown the Markov-less Habs, limiting them to 15 mostly harmless shots. Now a test: the dreaded three-city western Canada swing starting tomorrow night in Calgary.

Leafs (sic) coach Ron Wilson sums up Habs.

Habs Inside Out found some TV screen caps from Wilson's Thursday night cheatsheet. Sorry, Ronnie, but little Mike Camalleri (sic) left "big slow" Luke Schenn "behind" on Josh Gorges winning OT goal. Blown "Big Blue" assignment, yes? Building always begins in the cellar, right? You should start a wine collection.

Canadiens 4, Leafs (sic) 3, OT.

I was wrong! The Habs, thanks to G Carey Price and a shaky Vesa Toskala, and Leaf D Mike Komisarek spending 15 minutes in the box (nice game, dickhead), managed to squeeze out an undeserved win (outshot 46-27) against arguably the worst team in the league. Gionta (1G), Moen (1G), Cammalleri (2A), Metropolit (1G, 1A) and Gorges (1G, 1A) looked good, $7-mil man Gomez not so good, Gill (as in fish) inept. All of this is moot, because of THIS. Jesus. Next game: tomorrow @ Buffalo (image: flickr).

Your truncated Habs 2009-2010 preview.

Great off-season! GM Bob Gainey signed three truncated forwards all under five-feet tall (that's Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta above in a recent practice on a 2-on-none drill against some local Montreal pee-wee goalie.). And he signed three new defensemen, two of whom are as slow as fucking sloths. So: instead of addressing what has been their #1 need for years—a BIG finishing forward—Gainey brings in overpaid gnats. FUCKING SPLENDID. SI picks the Habs 8th in the conference, ESPN Mag predicts 5th (crackheads). Tonight the season of .500 starts: @ Toronto. Loss number one (image: flickr).

3-0. It's over. Big surprise.
The Bruins have conducted a clinic on defensive hockey.
Tim Thomas hasn't even had to be good.
Good luck Boston.

and so it begins...

Relax. It's faux.
GO HABS GO!

Habs clinch.

Yip fucking pee. In a probable 1st round preview, Montreal (41-29-11) backed into the playoffs with a 5-4 OT loss to the Bruins and asshole Milan Lucic who can't take a clean hit. Matt D'Agostini snapped in two goals. Alex Kovalev stayed hot. And the supposedly mortally-wounded Mathieu Schneider played and blasted home a PP slapper. But without Andrei Markov, their best player+, the Habs are gonna need B's goalie Tim Thomas to come up Lilliputian and Carey Price to come up Brobdingnagian to advance. Still, there's that Montreal/Boston playoff history to consider...or, they'll face the Capitals.

Habs Season Is OVER.

Playoffs or not, They're fucking FUCKED. (image via)

I've switched to this chair for the last five games.

What is this..."complete game" thing the Canadiens (40-27-10) have played in their last two contests, both emphatic wins—4-1 over the good Blackhawks and 5-1 over the bad Islanders? Forechecking, backchecking, passing, finishing, powerplay goals, fortuitous bounces, defensive zone coverage, goaltending? Where are my Habs? Where is the knot in my stomach?

I bought this chair from the Torture Museum in Amsterdam for $3.5 million to sit in to watch the rest of the season.

(click image) I got a firsthand look at this baby three years ago. It's called the Inquisition Chair, and was designed to cause excruciating pain over your entire body; so, perfect for watching this fucking Habs (38-27-9) team. Thursday eve vs. the Lightning, Montreal played a rare passionate game. Though they led only 1-0, the Canadiens outshot Tampa 24-8 through two periods. Then, Gui Latendresse did this, and I exhaled. Then, two lucky bounces later, the game was in overtime, and I was in shock. Luckily Saku Koivu got a lucky bounce of his own to salvage the night. So, two points up on ninth place Florida with eight to play. Next game: tonight vs. Buffalo (five points back). I'll be strapping myself in.

I'm in Paris on vacation...

...until Thursday. Habs (36-26-9) have lost four in a row, including getting lit up by Jason Spezza and Ottawa 5-4 two nights ago. This shit stain of a streak will probably continue tonight versus the carefree Leafs (sic). Montreal sits one point out of being out of the playoffs...I don't care, I'm on fucking vacation, you cowardly assholes. I will resume posts whence I return. (image via)

Pour another 40 for the Habs...

Another game, another 40+ shots against, another loss—this time to the tougher, faster, determineder Rangers. Thanks to a late, lucky-ass Andrei Markov wristshot that somehow squeezed by a klutzy King Henrik, the Habs (36-25-9) stole a point. Markov was Montreal's star this night as he also made a marvelous 50-foot pass to a falling Alex Kovalev who one-timed a PP snapper by Lundqvist. G Carey Price came up tiny in the shootout going 0-for-3. Luckily for the Habs, Buffalo, Carolina, and Florida keep losing. Next game: tomorrow @ Ottawa. Must win. Again.

Mortal Lock: the Devils will beat the Canadiens tonight.

The Habs (36-24-8) got out-worked, out-shot, out-played, out-everythinged, at home, by the worst team in the league Thursday; they were damn lucky to get that precious point. Now, tonight, Montrealer Martin Brodeur will be looking to tie Patrick Roy as the winningiest goalie of all time. The Devils are 3-0 against the Canadiens this season, and come in playing their best hockey. (world's largest padlock, via Pakistan)

Canadiens 4, Oilers 3, OT.

The captain Saku Koivu willed the Habs (36-24-7) to victory Tuesday night, Bob Gainey's first game behind the bench. He tied the game with four minutes left by jabbing the puck in with the shaft of his stick (or, cough, his glove). Then in OT, he deftly deflected a bullet Mathieu Schneider PP slapper by Edmonton's helpless Dwayne Roloson. Next game: tonight vs. the terrible Islanders. Must win.

CARBO DUNZO.

GM Bob Gainey shitcanned him yesterday, so he'll now have plenty of time to spend with his beautiful wife, Line. As a player, Carbonneau was sublime. Arguably the best defensive forward in the history of the game (that includes you, Bob), his ability to block shots was unparalleled. While not a big goal scorer, he scored HUGE playoff goals for both the 1986 and 1993 Cup-winning teams. As a coach, well, he was not good. But in his defense, this current mess of a squad is not his responsibility. He goes out a winner as the Habs (35-24-7) killed 9 of 10 penalties—including three straight minutes of 5 on 3 time—in Sunday's improbable 3-1 win at Dallas in which G Carey Price appeared to be fully back in form. Gainey's behind the bench tonight vs. Edmonton. It'll be interesting to watch how the players react. (image via)

Thrashers 2, Canadiens 0.

Playing the worst defensive team in the league, with the worst home record and the worst penalty-killing stats, the Habs (34-24-7) displayed the killer instinct of a pacifist eunuch Friday night in Atlanta. Also remember: the Thrashers traded two of the their top four defensemen (Mathieu Schneider to Montreal and Niclas Havelid to the Devils) before the deadline. Lone bright spot: G Carey Price, subbing for the fluey Jaro Halak, played a solid game. Next game: today @ Dallas. (pictured: some sort of wurst art installation in Germany, via)

Sabres 5, Canadiens 1.

For some reason, I completely forgot to wear my Habs hat last night while watching this abysmal game, so that 4-game streak is still alive. The Canadiens (34-23-7) came out like they had fire ants in their hockey pants, dominating faceoffs and outshooting Buffalo 18-10 in the first period. However, they couldn't put one past a hot Patrick Lalime. The Sabres took a 1-0 lead late the stanza with a garbage PP goal off a blocked shot. And then, the Habs just flat out fucking quit the game. Pa-thetic. Coach Carbo skated their asses off this morning...I would've extended it until somebody passed out. Next game: tomorrow @ Atlanta. Hat will be back on.

THE STREAK...

Four wins in a row for the crazy Habs (34-22-7). After beating the hated Flyers 4-3 in OT Friday thanks to Mathieu Schneider's perfect PP wrister, Montreal somehow jumped to a 3-zip first period lead over league-leader San Jose Saturday night. Then, somehow-er, they managed to hold on for the win. G Jaroslav Halak continues to somehow-est stop the puck with his flailing, flopping style that is a nightmare to witness. Tomas Plekanec and the maybe not about to be traded Alex Kovalev are playing like last season. Still. I feel this charade could implode at any moment...like tomorrow night, in Buffalo.

Habs Hat put to the test tonight.

Before Saturday's 5-3 win against Ottawa, I hadn't worn my Canadiens hat since going to MSG in early January to see Montreal drub the hated Rangers, 6-3. I also wore it while watching the unconscious Jaro Halak shutout the superior Canucks 3-0 on Tuesday. Tonight, the Habs (32-22-7) and the Hat are put to the test in Philadelphia against the hot Flyers. If they win again, I'll prop up my autographed Guy Lafleur photo on the sofa during tomorrow's game vs. the Sharks. If the winning streak stretches to four, I may dig the dusty red jersey out of the closet...

Penguins 5, Canadiens 4.

Thursday, the Habs (30-22-7) displayed defensive zone coverage reminiscent of the NJ pond games of my youth in losing for the 12th time in 15 games. And now, even if Montreal snakes into the playoffs, the Kostitsyn brothers and Roman Hamrlik may be watching from the big house (probably not). Quite the memorable 100th season. The team sits a slim two points ahead of ninth place Carolina. Next Game: today vs. Ottawa. Rested, probably soon to be traded Alex Kovalev back in the lineup. Habs have beaten the Sens five straight. (image via)

Capitals 4, Canadiens 3, SO.

Yeah, yeah, the Habs (30-21-7) and even G Carey Price played their first decent game in awhile. But they still needed one ridiculously lucky bounce and a shaky Jose Theodore in the Capitals' net to get that precious point. However, this Alex Ovechkin goal, in which he made Roman Hamrlik look extremely silly before scoring from his ass, is all you need to remember. Next game: tonight @ Pittsburgh (must win?).