3-0. It's over. Big surprise.
The Bruins have conducted a clinic on defensive hockey.
Tim Thomas hasn't even had to be good.
Good luck Boston.

and so it begins...

Relax. It's faux.
GO HABS GO!

Habs clinch.

Yip fucking pee. In a probable 1st round preview, Montreal (41-29-11) backed into the playoffs with a 5-4 OT loss to the Bruins and asshole Milan Lucic who can't take a clean hit. Matt D'Agostini snapped in two goals. Alex Kovalev stayed hot. And the supposedly mortally-wounded Mathieu Schneider played and blasted home a PP slapper. But without Andrei Markov, their best player+, the Habs are gonna need B's goalie Tim Thomas to come up Lilliputian and Carey Price to come up Brobdingnagian to advance. Still, there's that Montreal/Boston playoff history to consider...or, they'll face the Capitals.

Habs Season Is OVER.

Playoffs or not, They're fucking FUCKED. (image via)

I've switched to this chair for the last five games.

What is this..."complete game" thing the Canadiens (40-27-10) have played in their last two contests, both emphatic wins—4-1 over the good Blackhawks and 5-1 over the bad Islanders? Forechecking, backchecking, passing, finishing, powerplay goals, fortuitous bounces, defensive zone coverage, goaltending? Where are my Habs? Where is the knot in my stomach?

I bought this chair from the Torture Museum in Amsterdam for $3.5 million to sit in to watch the rest of the season.

(click image) I got a firsthand look at this baby three years ago. It's called the Inquisition Chair, and was designed to cause excruciating pain over your entire body; so, perfect for watching this fucking Habs (38-27-9) team. Thursday eve vs. the Lightning, Montreal played a rare passionate game. Though they led only 1-0, the Canadiens outshot Tampa 24-8 through two periods. Then, Gui Latendresse did this, and I exhaled. Then, two lucky bounces later, the game was in overtime, and I was in shock. Luckily Saku Koivu got a lucky bounce of his own to salvage the night. So, two points up on ninth place Florida with eight to play. Next game: tonight vs. Buffalo (five points back). I'll be strapping myself in.

I'm in Paris on vacation...

...until Thursday. Habs (36-26-9) have lost four in a row, including getting lit up by Jason Spezza and Ottawa 5-4 two nights ago. This shit stain of a streak will probably continue tonight versus the carefree Leafs (sic). Montreal sits one point out of being out of the playoffs...I don't care, I'm on fucking vacation, you cowardly assholes. I will resume posts whence I return. (image via)

Pour another 40 for the Habs...

Another game, another 40+ shots against, another loss—this time to the tougher, faster, determineder Rangers. Thanks to a late, lucky-ass Andrei Markov wristshot that somehow squeezed by a klutzy King Henrik, the Habs (36-25-9) stole a point. Markov was Montreal's star this night as he also made a marvelous 50-foot pass to a falling Alex Kovalev who one-timed a PP snapper by Lundqvist. G Carey Price came up tiny in the shootout going 0-for-3. Luckily for the Habs, Buffalo, Carolina, and Florida keep losing. Next game: tomorrow @ Ottawa. Must win. Again.

Mortal Lock: the Devils will beat the Canadiens tonight.

The Habs (36-24-8) got out-worked, out-shot, out-played, out-everythinged, at home, by the worst team in the league Thursday; they were damn lucky to get that precious point. Now, tonight, Montrealer Martin Brodeur will be looking to tie Patrick Roy as the winningiest goalie of all time. The Devils are 3-0 against the Canadiens this season, and come in playing their best hockey. (world's largest padlock, via Pakistan)

Canadiens 4, Oilers 3, OT.

The captain Saku Koivu willed the Habs (36-24-7) to victory Tuesday night, Bob Gainey's first game behind the bench. He tied the game with four minutes left by jabbing the puck in with the shaft of his stick (or, cough, his glove). Then in OT, he deftly deflected a bullet Mathieu Schneider PP slapper by Edmonton's helpless Dwayne Roloson. Next game: tonight vs. the terrible Islanders. Must win.

CARBO DUNZO.

GM Bob Gainey shitcanned him yesterday, so he'll now have plenty of time to spend with his beautiful wife, Line. As a player, Carbonneau was sublime. Arguably the best defensive forward in the history of the game (that includes you, Bob), his ability to block shots was unparalleled. While not a big goal scorer, he scored HUGE playoff goals for both the 1986 and 1993 Cup-winning teams. As a coach, well, he was not good. But in his defense, this current mess of a squad is not his responsibility. He goes out a winner as the Habs (35-24-7) killed 9 of 10 penalties—including three straight minutes of 5 on 3 time—in Sunday's improbable 3-1 win at Dallas in which G Carey Price appeared to be fully back in form. Gainey's behind the bench tonight vs. Edmonton. It'll be interesting to watch how the players react. (image via)

Thrashers 2, Canadiens 0.

Playing the worst defensive team in the league, with the worst home record and the worst penalty-killing stats, the Habs (34-24-7) displayed the killer instinct of a pacifist eunuch Friday night in Atlanta. Also remember: the Thrashers traded two of the their top four defensemen (Mathieu Schneider to Montreal and Niclas Havelid to the Devils) before the deadline. Lone bright spot: G Carey Price, subbing for the fluey Jaro Halak, played a solid game. Next game: today @ Dallas. (pictured: some sort of wurst art installation in Germany, via)

Sabres 5, Canadiens 1.

For some reason, I completely forgot to wear my Habs hat last night while watching this abysmal game, so that 4-game streak is still alive. The Canadiens (34-23-7) came out like they had fire ants in their hockey pants, dominating faceoffs and outshooting Buffalo 18-10 in the first period. However, they couldn't put one past a hot Patrick Lalime. The Sabres took a 1-0 lead late the stanza with a garbage PP goal off a blocked shot. And then, the Habs just flat out fucking quit the game. Pa-thetic. Coach Carbo skated their asses off this morning...I would've extended it until somebody passed out. Next game: tomorrow @ Atlanta. Hat will be back on.

THE STREAK...

Four wins in a row for the crazy Habs (34-22-7). After beating the hated Flyers 4-3 in OT Friday thanks to Mathieu Schneider's perfect PP wrister, Montreal somehow jumped to a 3-zip first period lead over league-leader San Jose Saturday night. Then, somehow-er, they managed to hold on for the win. G Jaroslav Halak continues to somehow-est stop the puck with his flailing, flopping style that is a nightmare to witness. Tomas Plekanec and the maybe not about to be traded Alex Kovalev are playing like last season. Still. I feel this charade could implode at any moment...like tomorrow night, in Buffalo.

Habs Hat put to the test tonight.

Before Saturday's 5-3 win against Ottawa, I hadn't worn my Canadiens hat since going to MSG in early January to see Montreal drub the hated Rangers, 6-3. I also wore it while watching the unconscious Jaro Halak shutout the superior Canucks 3-0 on Tuesday. Tonight, the Habs (32-22-7) and the Hat are put to the test in Philadelphia against the hot Flyers. If they win again, I'll prop up my autographed Guy Lafleur photo on the sofa during tomorrow's game vs. the Sharks. If the winning streak stretches to four, I may dig the dusty red jersey out of the closet...

Penguins 5, Canadiens 4.

Thursday, the Habs (30-22-7) displayed defensive zone coverage reminiscent of the NJ pond games of my youth in losing for the 12th time in 15 games. And now, even if Montreal snakes into the playoffs, the Kostitsyn brothers and Roman Hamrlik may be watching from the big house (probably not). Quite the memorable 100th season. The team sits a slim two points ahead of ninth place Carolina. Next Game: today vs. Ottawa. Rested, probably soon to be traded Alex Kovalev back in the lineup. Habs have beaten the Sens five straight. (image via)

Capitals 4, Canadiens 3, SO.

Yeah, yeah, the Habs (30-21-7) and even G Carey Price played their first decent game in awhile. But they still needed one ridiculously lucky bounce and a shaky Jose Theodore in the Capitals' net to get that precious point. However, this Alex Ovechkin goal, in which he made Roman Hamrlik look extremely silly before scoring from his ass, is all you need to remember. Next game: tonight @ Pittsburgh (must win?).

The End Is Nigh.

After getting dominated yet again in a 4-2 loss Sunday to the Canucks, The Habs (30-21-6) have lost 10 of their last 13 games. They currently sit in a four-way tie for the eighth and last playoff spot. GM Bob Gainey has responded by 1) stupidly trading 2nd and 3rd round draft picks for a washed up 39-year-old former Canadien; and 2) idiotically broadcasting to the other 29 teams that Alex Kovalev can be had at the trading deadline for about a 10th-round draft pick. That's some crack GM-ing, Bobby. Next game: tonight @ Washington.

Canadiens 4, Avalanche 2.

The Habs (30-20-6) Friday pulled a win directly out of the ass of Jaroslav Halak. The Slovak keeper stopped 46 of 48 shots, including three breakaways and a couple others he never saw. The Canadiens led 2-0 after one period, and then turned on their non-forechecking neutral zone clog—which did nothing to slow down the Avalanche as they outshot Montreal 36-9 over the last two periods. Yes, the Habs were utterly dominated by the last place Avalanche. Andrei Kostitsyn (19Gs, leads team) scored the game-winner with 2:16 left off a nice flip pass from Mathieu Dandenault. Kostitsyn sweetly settled the puck and deftly went forehand-backhand to slip it between Colorado goalie Peter Budaj's pads. It was the first road win ever for the Habs against the Avalanche. Next game: tonight! @ Vancouver. Halak back in net, sans demon mask.

Oilers 7, Canadiens 2.

The Habs (29-20-6), after getting embarrassingly torched by the Flames, went bowling. Wednesday, they played even worse and got absolutely drilled by the Oilers. If they lose tonight in Colorado, maybe—in lieu of practicing until the blades break off their skates—they should play a little shuffleboard tomorrow in Vancouver. Then, if they lose to the Canucks, they should again forgo ice time, and gather in the hotel lobby in Washington and play some Parcheesi. And so on. Montreal has now lost nine of their last 11, and are five points ahead of ninth place Carolina and tenth place Pittsburgh.

Flames 6, Canadiens 2, and maybe the shittiest period of hockey the Habs have ever played.

Monday night, the Habs (29-19-6) were outshot 20-4 and out-scored 3-0 in the second period, and it wasn't that close. They gift-wrapped two shorthanded breakaway goals for Calgary. They were out-skated, out-muscled, out-goaltended, out-everythinged like I've never seen. So, they went bowling. Montreal now sits five points clear of missing the playoffs. Next game: tonight @ Edmonton. (giant inflatable dog turd sculpture "Complex Shit" by Paul McCarthy, via)

Price coming up PeeWee for Habs.

After a 3-2 loss to the Sabres Friday and a 5-2 drubbing at home versus the Leafs (sic) Saturday night, The Habs (29-18-6) have now lost seven of their last nine and are a scant six points clear of not making the playoffs. Since coming back from his ankle injury, Jesus Price has been a baby-sized savior between the pipes. And as every nervous Habs fan knows, this team's success begins and ends with the goofy Garth Brooks-lovin' 21-year-old. Philadelphia plainly and painfully showed that last year in the playoffs. Next game: tonight @ Calgary. This western swing could sink them. (pic via)

Canadiens 4, Penguins 2.

Quick, late update (I work 12 hours a day): The Habs (29-16-6) played a solid game Tuesday eve. And the Penguins suck waaay worse than I thought. Standouts were: Sergei Kostitsyn (skated like he was possessed); Max Pacioretty (sweet assist on the third goal by Max Lapierre); Chris Higgins (buried a shorthanded goal); Roman Hamrlik (+4); and the newly reformed Plekanec-Kovalev-Andrei Kostitsyn line. Next game: tonight @ fairly-hot Buffalo. (pic of Crosby-dissing Ranger fan via flickr)

Bruins 3, Canadiens 1.

Wearing their terrible barber shop pole/pajama throwback uni's, the Habs put forth just enough effort to lose a close game to the Bruins. That's the good news. The bad news is much more significant. Also, no word on the condition Gui Latendresse, who slammed his head hard into the boards. Alex Kovalev has basically slept through the last four games, and was benched for the third period by coach Carbonneau. Unless something dramatic happens before the trading deadline, this mediocre group is almost certainly headed nowhere. Notes: Kings defenseman Denis Gauthier got only a five-game suspension for trying to behead Josh Gorges. Next game: tomorrow vs. Pittsburgh and cry-baby Crosby.

The most important goal of the Habs' season?

I'm all about the hyperbolic hypothetical questions, lately. But Chis Higgins's monster game-tying goal with 1:50 left in yesterday's HUGE win over the Kings was an absolute fucking epic Homer poem of a goal. He threw aside Kings whiny hotshot rookie defenseman Drew Doughty like a girlie rag doll, and roofed it over poke-checking goalie Jonathan Quick.
"I thought it was pretty obvious that he kind of stuck out his arm and just threw me back there, but they didn't give us the call, obviously..." whined the crybaby rag doll Doughty about being legally out-muscled by Higgins.
The Habs (28-15-6) won it with a cheap-ass PP goal with 22 seconds left as a falling Quick knocked the rebound of an Andrei Markov slapper into his own net (Saku Koivu wrongly got credit for the goal). Before these frantic last two minutes, the Canadiens were sleepwalking towards a deserved loss to the mediocre Kings.
Today at 2pm, the Bruins.

Habs heading towards missing the playoffs?

The Habs (27-15-6) went 0-for-Florida, and sucked endless dick in the process. They followed up one of their worst games of the season—the 5-3 loss to Tampa Bay on Tuesday—with their worst game of the season—a 5-1 ass-whoopin' administered by the 8th place Panthers. Florida now sits 6 scant points behind Montreal. And ninth place Carolina and Pittsburgh, both pretty good clubs who are almost certainly going to pick up play, are only 7 points behind the Habs. The Florida game was an absolute meltdown. The plethora of blown defensive assignments was fucking embarrassing. Carey Price wasn't great in goal, but he was the best Hab on the ice; it very easily could have been 10-1. Losing streak is at 4. What's next? Two home matinees: today vs. Los Angeles and tomorrow vs. the 35-8-6 Bruins. Could be an ugly weekend.

My annual All-Star Game boycott.

Sorry for the lack of game reports for the last two losses against Atlanta and New Jersey, but I've been busier than usual at my ad copywriting job. Frankly, the All-Star break comes at a good time for the Habs (27-13-6). In Atlanta, Jaro Halak let the Thrashers first two goals leak through him on the way to 3-0 deficit. And The Canadiens—despite a nice PP goal by Max Pacioretty and Carey Price spelling Halak—never recovered. I didn't watch the NJ game, and that was a good thing. A supposedly healthy Price made his first start in a month and captain Saku Koivu finally returned from his ankle sprain. But the Devils, now 3-0 against the Habs this season, coasted to the 5-2 win.
So, tonight's the boring skills competition, which I abhor. And tomorrow is the All-Star game, which is as big of a joke of a sporting event as any Harlem Globetrotters game. I don't give a shit that it's in Montreal. So, no. No reports. I'm not watching. For the record: Andrei Markov and Price deserve to be there; Alex Kovalev and Mike Komisarek do not. Back to regular posting next Tuesday/Thursday as the Habs make their second two-game swing through Florida.

Canadiens 5, Senators 4, SO.

Missed the game as we spent last night deep in the avant-garde belly of the downtown Manhattan beast, taking in Celestial Excursions by the Godfather of experimental opera, Robert Ashley. If you're, like me, a fan of the magic and music of spoken words, it is highly recommended...I'm glad I didn't watch the Habs (27-11-6) unmagically blow two 2-goal third-period leads on the way to a stupid skills competition win over the disgraceful last-place Ottawa Senators (Seriously, with a monster #1 line like Heatley-Alfredsson-Spezza, you gotta at least be a playoff team.). Watching the highlights, Robert Lang had two nice assists, one on scalding-hot Andrei Kostitsyn's 7th goal in the last seven games. Max Lapierre got the winner in the shootout and is now 2-for-2 on the season. Notes: In his first NHL game, winger Gregory Stewart got a nice assist on Matt D'Agostini's 7th G...Still waiting for Saku Koivu to return...Carey Price says he's close, and hopes to play in either Atlanta or New Jersey this week... Next game: Tuesday @ Atlanta. (pictured disgraceful Republican senator Larry Craig)

Canadiens 3, Predators 2.

The Habs (26-11-6) expended just enough energy (20 SOGs) to beat the hardworking, skills-challenged Preds. The Andreis Markov and Kostitsyn stood out in this rather boring tilt. American hockey writers can moan and groan about his All-Star starting position all they want—but Markov is one of the five best defensemen in the league. Kostitsyn ripped in his 15th on the PP (off a great pass by Markov), and is finally returning to last season's electric form. Not much else to say—it's January, and it was fucking Nashville, hockey mecca of Appalachia. Next game: tonight @ Ottawa.