Canadiens 3, Sabres 2.

Another three-goal second period, another win. The Habs (13-6-4) began a seven-game homestand with a big win over division rival Buffalo. Big, because Montreal needed to get the shitty stink of Friday's loss to the Capitals off of them. Big because the Habs finally showed some sustained forechecking and offensive cohesiveness. Cs Max Lapierre and Saku Koivu made sweet plays on Montreal's second and third goals, respectively. They still looked lost on the PP (0-5) and they lacked intensity in their own zone at times and Sergei Kostitsyn took two amazingly stupid slashing penalties but...it was their best overall game in weeks. Notes: Carey Price gave up 2Gs or less for the seventh straight game...all four centers were + on faceoffs, with the Habs winning 36 of 61 total...next game: Tuesday vs. Atlanta. (pictured: book jacket for "Sabre Dance" currently ranked #4,429,436 on Amazon.)

Capitals 3, Canadiens 0.

To properly visualize The Suck that was Habs hockey last night in Washington, I've trotted out the best Halloween costume in history—The Human Dickwad. Grab a dick giveawayer Ryan O'Burn—why did he play 22 fucking minutes? Grab a dick, non-finisher Alex Kovalev—no goals in 12 games and ridiculously stupid play in his own end, for instance; after Montreal (12-6-4) killed of a long 5-3 PP and with the Habs desperate to get the puck out of their zone, AK twice threw it blindly to Washington point men, eventually leading to the third goal. Grab a dick, Jaroslav Halak—for letting Ovechkin score from the end line. And grab a dick, coach Carbonneau—for not benching Kovalev for a couple of games...coddling his ass obviously isn't working. Notes: Yes, ex Hab G Jose Theodore played a good second period when the Canadiens threw some rubber at him, but Montreal disappeared in the third...one positive moment: Latendresse heroically diving to get the puck out of the zone...next game, tonight against Buffalo.

Canadiens 3, Red Wings 1.

Lucky bounce for Max Lapierre. Great pass by Markov on Plekanec's first goal in nine games. Nice backhand by Higgins. And the Habs (12-5-4) had themselves a miraculous three-goal lead at Detroit. Time to sit back and let the Wings come at you in waves, and hope for the best. Luckily, G Carey Price was solid and the defensive zone coverage was adequate. One game anomaly or turning point of the season? Panger/HFF33 goes off his lithium and has that critical discussion with himself. Next game: tomorrow at the Capitals and unfrozen caveman Alexander (12Gs) Ovechkin. (image via)

Rubber Bullet Points, 11/26/08.

• Deadspin covers hockey! Of course, it's a picture of passed-out Flyer prospect James Van Riemsdyck with a penis drawn on his face.
• Darcy Tucker injured his knee and is out four weeks. God, that breaks my fucking heart.
• Energizer is the official battery of the NHL. MYFO celebrates by getting a 5-year-old to help them with Photoshop.
• If Detroit scores three goals tonight, the Habs will lose.
• Photo of pro-Palestinian activist shot in head by Israeli troops with a rubber bullet (looks like Keith Magnuson after a fight with anybody) via.

Islanders 3, Canadiens 3, O'Byrne -1, SO.

Hab blueliners Josh Gorges and Ryan O'Byrne both scored their second career goals last night; Gorges on a PP slapper, and O'Byrne on a delayed penalty wrist shot into his own empty net—he says was passing it back to his goalie but Carey Price couldn't quite reach it 100 feet away on the bench. While not quite a Steve Smith-level gaffe, it did tie the game for the Islanders with less than five minutes to go. And, well, you just knew the Canadiens (11-5-4) were going to lose in the shootout. Notes: Habs won 34 of 55 faceoffs...Power-play was 1-7 as all the PP forwards still need to go to finishing school...Said Saku Koivu, "(translated from Finnish) we suck the smelly ass of an ass beast..." Next game: tomorrow at (yikes!) Detroit...

Your Monday rubber bullet points.

• Devil Dainius Zubrus scores four goals—his sum total from about two seasons with the Habs—in win over the Bolts.
• Little Danny Briere's groin stills hurts him. That's because he's a boy with a girl part. (via, image via)
• "Puck Daddy" writes an irony-free 1,400 fucking word review of "Slapshot 3: The Junior League." This is one of the batshit craziest things I've ever seen...and I've been in NYC for 18 years.
• It's a Shiba Inu cam, except with dudes instead of puppies.

Bruins 3, Canadiens 2, SO.

Well now the Bs have a two-game streak against the Habs (11-5-3), and Boston is just a better hockey team right now. But Montreal showed some moxie in the third period after falling behind 2-1. Sure, Tom Kostopoulos pulled that deflection out of from just south of his stomach. But the Canadiens earned that lucky-ass goal with some old-fashioned hard work. I'll take the point. Notes: George Laraque repeatedly but nicely asked Milan Lucic to dance in the first period. Lucic coyly declined (coach's orders). Then he scored in the second period due to a beautiful play by Phil Kessel and some ice capades back-checking by Alex Kovalev. Next game: tomorrow vs. the hated (well in the 80s) Islanders. (photo of bear shitting in woods via)

Hockey Day in NYC.

• Coyote rookie Viktor Tikhonov is blogging, joining Phoenix assistant coach Ulf Samuelsson. I'd love to here Viktor's thoughts on Mikhail Gorbachev's comment that Barack Obama needs to carry out perestroika to save the American economy. Gorbie's wine stain is trademarked.
• Pepe Lemieux is playing for the China Sharks.
• Avs give Paul Stastny 33 mil. His dad and two uncles simultaneously shit their pants.
• Bill Clement with his shirt off for Off. (via)
• Shit!!!!! Big George Laraque best be in the lineup tonight.
• St. Patrick remembered.

Canadiens 3, Senators 2, SO.

Did you smell it during last night's shootout win over the Sens? I did, right through my NYC TV. Desperation. After Markov—about the only Hab who showed up to play offense last night (21 shots?)—blasted in his own blocked shot to tie it at 2, the pressurized stage was set. And Alex Tanguay won it in the SO with a backhand to forehand move, minus the forehand part. He looked liked he was curling or something. Somehow, it worked. It probably should have never gone to a shootout, as Ottawa's Antoine Vermette flat-out had a 2nd period delayed-penalty goal stolen from him. Maybe the ref saw one of Montreal's ubiquitous ghosts touch the puck? They go on road trips sometimes, I hear tell. Price was pretty good, but misplayed a soft blue line wrist shot into the Senators 2nd goal. Whatever. Two more ugly points. Notes: Habs 1-1 on the PP (Saku 7g)! Ottawa gave two of their own players first and second stars. Douchebags. Shouted Koivu, post-game (unverified): "Fire Carbo!" Next game: tomorrow eve against the Bruins when #33 gets rightfully raised to the rafters. ROO-AH! ROO-AH! ROO-AH!

...and like Avery, he wears Alexander McQueen.

Like I said, until I see a sign that the Habs are in fact a hockey team, you get the stupidest hockey signs I can find. Stupid Ranger fans. (via)

No Blood, No Glory.

Until I see something resembling a game plan/hustle/defense from the Blew, Blank et Ruse, you will get stupid hockey signs. And they will only get stupider and stupider. (via)

Hurricanes 2, Canadiens 1.

The good news: Robert Lang scored a PP goal; Carey Price was a Rock, making 46 saves. The bad news: everything and everybody else. Plus, Sergei Suckass Samsonov scored. Next Habs (10-5-2) game: Thursday at Ottawa.
Notes: FUCK YOU. (pictured: "often-overlooked" 80s melodic rock band Hurricane)

Tuesday is the stupidest day of the week.

Some classy Swede (a relative?) tried to sell a tuxedo on ebay supposedly owned/worn by dead Flyer Vezina Trophy-winning goalie Pelle Lindbergh. The starting bid requirement was 800 bucks. No bids were submitted. Maybe the seller should have torn it and bloodied it up a bit, and claimed Lindbergh was wearing it the night he (with a blood/alcohol level of .24) slammed his Porsche 930 turbo into a low brick wall? (via, image via)

Canadiens 3, Blues 2, SO.

Alex "what's my motivation?" Kovalev's roofed backhand was the most nonchalant goal in NHL shootout history, and improbably gave the Habs (10-4-2) a huge two points. Just as it looked like Montreal was going to be outscored by career minor-leaguer Steve Regier, Robert Lang (5Gs) temporarily found his shooter's touch, batting in his own rebound to tie the game with 4 minutes left in regulation. The Habs were 0-fer fucking 10 on the PP, and now sport a nifty 0-20 streak. I could start a useless rant about what a hollow husk of a team Montreal currently is, but Brooklynite Gino Tomac commenting on this FourHabsFans post did it for me. A highlight: "Gui! (Latendresse)...figure out if you're 240 pounds of forward or labia." Notes...speaking of pounds, former Hab netminder and current Blues goaltending coach Rick Wamsley has packed on the ex-player meal money nicely...Blues TV color man and NHL HOFer Bernie Federko's got himself some sweet endorsement kale rolling in pitching a local St. Louis cabinet maker...next game: tomorrow at (North) Carolina. (pictured: Blind Lemon Jefferson, the best named bluesman in American history, slightly edging out Lead Belly Ledbetter.)

Flyers 2, Canadiens 1.

It's now an official (1-3-1) bad patch. Let's hope it doesn't turn into something frightening. On a night when the Habs (9-4-2) wore 1940s sweaters, it was Philadelphia who played old-time defensive hockey, strangling Montreal's supposedly high-powered forwards. Sak Koivu, with five SOGs and a beautiful assist on Tanguay's eighth goal, was about the only Canadien who sacked up. Halak was fine in net. Montreal, plain and simple, just got their lazy asses outworked. Komisarek's injury is no excuse. At least George Laraque beat the bejesus out of Josh Gratton. And hey, Carbonneau? How bout increasing the fourth line's playing time and/or sitting a couple of the non-scoring scorers? You know, coaching. Next game: in about 3 hours at St Louis. (pictured: casting call flier spotted in Brooklyn for the film "Niki Gets Lost In BushDick")

Your Saturday Stupidity.

• THN blogger Ryan Dixon says Sheldon Souray is 007 cool. I think he's forgetting SS's uncool penchant for passing pucks to the enemy.
• The Habs will be dressed like the "Old Lamplighter" Hector Blake tonight against the Flyers. "TOE BLAKE, OLD-TIME HOCKEY!"
• "Puck Daddy" has a man-crush on Milan Lucic. Men you have man-crushes on: actors, authors, world leaders. Men you do not have man-crushes on: hockey players.
• Stupid Hab fans are obviously cheat-voting for the all-star game. You do not own the game, Quebec.
• FYI—I once hit both posts scoring a goal in the highly regarded Freehold, NJ street hockey league.

Bruins 6, Canadiens 1.

Boston emphatically ended Montreal's 12-game regular season winning streak against them last night. And it was worse than the score. I was speechless. I am speechless. So here's what other Habs (9-3-2) blogs had to say about the painful game:
• "I have a message for our defense: pylons are usually orange."
• Plan the parade? "There better be a goddamn parade of Canadiens puking over the boards because Carbo skates them into the ground..."
• "An evil night. An evil, Edgar Allan Poe, raven night."
• "I turned off the game and played with my Wii..."
OK, I've thought of something to say: why is Ulf Samuelsson fucking blogging? Next game: tomorrow vs. Flyers.

Your Thursday Hockey Need-Not-Knows.

• You stay classy, ex-Hab Mike Ribeiro.
• Teacher says, every time a Chicago Blackhawk raps, Mos Def gets a migraine (image via).
• The Atlanta Thrashers have a ghastly techno victory song: "Russian Private Jet."
• Old, lazy Mats Sundin has sold his Toronto home...which means he's maybe moving into a retirement community?
• Looks like the Canadiens have signed a different Swede, though her hockey pants are awfully short.

Canadiens 4, Senators 0.

Thaaat's more like it. The Habs (9-2-2) played maybe their most complete game of the season so far in drubbing the visiting hot evil Senators. Chris Higgins's (8 shots) first career hat trick would make a nice short instructional video on how to finish scoring chances (watch it Plekenac, Latendresse, Kostitsyns, etc). Goalie Carey Price and the D were solid, especially in the third period when the Sens ratcheted up the pressure. Notes: the stupid Jarkko Ruutu delivered a cheap shot elbow to Max Lapierre's head...Francis Bouillon immediately intervened with his beefy little fists...Lantendresse did blast home his first goal in exactly a month off a Robert Lang faceoff win...which I guess means Gui's next goal will come December 11th against The Lightning...next game: tomorrow at Boston... (painting: "Morte de Césare" by Vincenzo Camuccini —Emperor Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a group of cowardly Roman senators led by Marcus Junius Brutus.)

This stupid Tuesday.

• Some Montreal journalist has started an online petition begging the Canadiens to allow Montrealer William Shatner to "sing" the National Anthem(s) before a Habs game this season. I say wait for an important playoff game and trot him out like the Flyers used to do with Kate Smith. If they win, keep him coming. If they lose? Ban him from the city for life. (image via)
• MeltYourFaceOff points me to a St. Louis Blues promo called "Fannie and Freddie Mortage Saturdays" where one fan in attendance wins four months of home or rent payments. That's just fucking depressing.
• Four pretty New York Rangers—Lundqvist, Naslund, Drury, and Gomez—put on some pretty power suits and skated pretty powerfully for a pretty photo shoot for pretty Men's Journal magazine. So pretty. So powerful.
• The Shiba puppy cam. Internet Klonopin®.

Maple Leafs 6, Canadiens 3.

Jesus, the Habs (8-2-2) got their fancy-skating derrieres handed to them Saturday. I could say their defensive zone coverage sucked—which it did. But really Toronto, led by teeny-tiny ex-Hab Mikhail Grabovski, skated triple fucking salchows around them. I know Hamrlik being out hurts, but... And hey, next time Habuettes? Why don't you gentle-men offer Nik Antropov some fucking scones when he settles into a nice comfy spot in Price's crease? PUSSIES.
Next game: Tomorrow vs. Ottawa.

Blue Jackets 4, Canadiens 3, SO.

The Belarusian Bros saved the Habs's (8-1-2) asses last night, particularly the non-clutch hiney of G Jaroslav Halak. Andrei Kostitsyn fed ice-cold Sergei beautifully from behind the net for the tying goal with :40 left in regulation. Alex Tanguay (7Gs)—with an easy rebound tap-in—and Patrice Sweepstakes Brisebois—with a point slapper—scored PP goals, which was encouraging. But fucking Halak, like all Czech backstoppers, sits too far back in the net. And unlike Hasak The Dominator, Halak The Ordinator ain't quick enough (or big enough) to make up for it. Then, he got schooled in the shootout by Kristian Huselius and hot rookie Derek Brassard. But I'll take the point. Next game: tonight at Toronto. (pictured: a striking Donatello ocean blue windowpanes wide legs suit, $249.90)

A frenetic :54 shift.

Keeping with this week's filler theme of Athletic Animal Kingdom, here's a mini-crazy horse darting around like Keith Acton. (via)

Hockey's Bible rips my holy team.

John Grigg drops his hockey pants and shits on the center ice dot of Le Centre Bell. While my head basically agrees with him, my heart says he's a Habs-hating asshat.

Shrimp running on a treadmill.

Canadiens 5, Long Islanders 4.

So, I guess I'm wrong. The Habs (8-1-1), apparently, only do need to play one period of hockey per game to win. And if that's the case, why not continue the lazy practice? It is an ungodly long season; best to conserve energy for the playoffs and then turn it on like a fire hose once the real games start, right?
Last night, Montreal outshot the Isles 16-4 in the third period and outscored them 4-0 to erase a three-goal deficit. Both Alex Kovalev and Tomas Plekanec (who?) had 2G 2A nights. Andrei Kostitsyn—on Plekanec's second goal—and Saku Koivu—on Chris Higgins' tying goal—made memorable, wonderful playmaker passes. Carey Price...had a less than memorable game. The Islanders second goal, an unscreened nothing wrist shot by Jon Sim that I could have caught barehanded, somehow got by him. Predictably, ex-Hab Mark Streit blew a PP slapper by Price for New York's first tally. It is Streit's accurate cannon shot that the Canadiens desperately miss on their unimpressive-so-far PP. But five even-strength goals is pretty damn sweet.
Notes: At least half of the fans in attendance were Canadiens fans...Nassau Coliseum is in the middle of fucking nowhere waaay out on Long Island—how, nay why, did all the Hab faithful get there?...next game: Friday in Columbus.